The “art” of the DM: women’s perspective

Rachel Bennett

More stories from Rachel Bennett


What is the number one way that a man, or boys in this case, try to get to know a girl in this day and age? The answer is the DM. Boys have this belief that the way to connect and get to know a girl is through either Instagram direct messaging or the chat feature on Snapchat because the reality of it is, it’s convenient. It’s easier to text a girl and play mind games with her than to talk to her in person. Boys see the DM as a great way to get to know a girl, but how can you really get to know someone when there is a screen between you and that girl?

Boys think that DM’s are a great way to get to know a girl because they don’t take into the consideration the emotional toll it has on these girls. Girls are more considerate and emotional beings, that is a fact of life, and it will never change. The idea that girls and boys are just different emotionally from each other reminds me of the song by Dierks Bently called, “Different for Girls.”

“It’s different for girls when their hearts get broke. They can’t tape it back together. They don’t take someone home and act like it’s nothing. They can’t just switch it off every time they feel something.”

Girls think about the details and think about how their decisions effect others and themselves. Girls worry about the timing of the DM like if they should respond immediately or wait to respond to build the suspense that the boy puts them in, whether or not they should start the conversation, or, the worst of the all, when a boy leaves a girl on read.

It makes the girl wonder, “Did I do something wrong?”

“Does he not like me?”

“Should I leave him on read?”

“What is wrong about me that makes him leave me on read?”

The boys don’t see the frustration and tears that leaving a girl on read can bring. It is followed by countless hours of consulting family and friends, questioning whether or not they did something wrong, or if the boy is even worth the time. But the issue arises when the girl realizes it is not that easy to just let someone go. To a boy it is a one and done type situation, but for the girl it doesn’t end once the message is sent, it is a constant reminder that, “maybe I’m not good enough.” The DM and the instant messaging is causing girls to have lower self esteem because those messages matter to her, but he doesn’t feel the same way about those messages causing a fragile girl to question her worth.

Talking and messaging a guy should be about boosting self-esteem and being able to get to know someone, but, the fact of it is that, the boys just don’t care about it as much as the girl. Which brings me to the final conclusion that when they boy doesn’t care he is in control, leaving the girl an utter and complete mess following blindly to the control of a man or boy that in reality she hardly knows, but has developed this concern and care for them because of the ONE time he reached out to her.